This is My life

Songs of Joy

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.  PSALM 126:5

I read that verse last week and it was one of those times that I knew God had it specifically planned for me to read THAT verse on THAT day. I am glad I was obedient in spending time with Him so He could share an amazing truth with me as it relates to parenting.

He is changing my heart about parenting. He is changing my view of the awesome responsibility it is. He is changing the way I approach things and what I think of the process.

Parenting is not supposed to be an easy process.  It isn't supposed to come naturally.  It isn't supposed to be free of trial, struggle, hard days, TEARS.  God never intended that we take on this monumental task all by ourselves!  No number of books, good advice, creative ideas, wonderful models, and common sense can ever replace the wisdom and guidance that He offers. We NEED it...and God KNOWS it.

The parent child relationship is a special one...it is the one He chooses to use to describe His relationship with us. It is a tender balance between love and discipline.  He trains us.  He watches us.  He guides us.  He leads us.  He sees us fall.  He picks us up.  He sees us try to make our own (often very wrong) choices.  He steps in.  He carries us.  He hugs us and holds us and tells us that He loves us.  He convicts us of our wrong, we tell Him we will do better, and He lets us go again. 

Doesn't that sound like a day in your life?  It sure does mine.  Except lately, my days have involved more tears (mine!), busy schedules, impatience (that would mind again), lots of needs, lots of wants, lots of people scurrying about as we call ourselves a family.

And you know, I would get SO frustrated that I was getting frustrated.  I just kept thinking, "I LOVE being a mom so much so why is it so hard sometimes?"  I felt like I wasn't a good mom and even had thoughts of, "I am going to ruin them! They deserve so much better!"  I was getting the point of not knowing what to do.  I was frustrated and tired and I just felt like I didn't have anything to give my children.

And then God stepped in.  He started working on my heart in little ways, and then He set ME on HIS knee and showed me where I has taken a wrong turn.  My methods in parenting were flawed in two major areas:

1) Not understanding that "THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP IN SONGS OF JOY."  This is supposed to be hard.  This is supposed to try our faith and our beliefs. Parenting is supposed to be something we cannot do on our own. But those they continue on, those who persevere even in the roughest of times, those who refuse to settle for being "good enough" and those who are willing to sacrifice themselves and their life for those of the children He has entrusted to them...those are the ones who will reap in songs of joy.  Everything worth having takes hard work.  And you know what?  We ENJOY things more when we have worked hard for them.

2) Not going to the Source of all the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self control that I was (am!) in desperate need of.  My times alone with God and in the Word have been so few and far between.  How in the world did I think I could tackle such a huge task as being a mother without help from Him?  How arrogant is that?  To think that I don't NEED Him or His Word to give me all the things I am lacking in myself.  Of course I never said or even really thought, "I don't need Him."  But my actions sure did.  If someones says over and over that they NEED to lose weight or that they NEED to stop spending money but then never do anything about it -- it shows that they don't really believe deep inside that they need it.  As humans we strive to meet our needs.  And I was NOT striving after God and the fruits that only His Spirit can provide. 

I have been trying to remedy this situation -- and oh the peace it brings!  With a busy family and life there isn't LOTS of time, but even 15 minutes in the morning before the kids get up sets my day right.  It prepares my heart and mind so they are ready when the endless needs and wants come at me from every direction. 

One of the biggest things I have been praying for is PEACE. Peace in my heart and peace in my home.  What better way for peace to enter a home than to ask the PRINCE OF PEACE to be a part of our day...to come into our home and make it His dwelling place.  In the few weeks that I have been praying this I don't think I have raised my voice at my kids even ONCE? Do you know how liberating that feels?  To know that even though I do not have the strength to perform this mighty task of parenting with love, grace, and peace, HE DOES.  And He is willing to fill up what is lacking in us.  How amazing is that??

I'm ready.  I am ready for Him to change me.  I am ready for the PRINCE OF PEACE to reside in my home.  And I am ready to sow in tears so that I may reap in songs of joy.

A High Calling

Parenting is a high calling.  A very high calling.  God has been doing a lot of work in my heart and the one thing that I am feeling very deeply is that I have taken the responsibility too lightly. I have not seen the opportunity I have been given to raise these four children for what it really is.  I have settled for being "good enough." I have allowed the bar for the kids to be set at "being obedient."  I have searched for ways to duck out of some of what we think of us mundane parts of parenting.  And it is wrong.  So very wrong.

The calling to be a parent is a high calling indeed.  We have been given the responsibility and the charge to take these little people and lead -- by example -- what it means to live a life surrendered to Christ and service to him. Jason and I are the first and primary people they see living out the Christian life.  As I have looked at my life I have been terrified that my children would become like me.  I want so much for them!  I want to say, "Don't follow me, follow God!"  But then God gently reminded me that the role of parents is to be "God with skin on" for little kids.  They will follow our actions, not our words.

I will be sharing a few more things over the next few days of things God is showing me, teaching me.  My heart is bursting with love for my kids, awe that God would find me worthy, and hope that HE can give me all I need to be the mom I am called to be.

The picture above?  Levi sitting sweet and sad as we fought the battle of the wills.  He decided that he did not want to ask to be excused from the table.  He said, "I can't!"  But he can and does every meal with no issues.  But on this day, he wanted to test the waters, to see who was in charge, and if we really mean what we say.  We do.  Our word is our word -- whether it be "You must do ______" or "I love you." 

He didn't throw fits (he knows the rule) but sat there quietly (and sometimes with a few tears).  He even took a nap.  There were lots of, "Levi, I love you but you have to do as you are told."  And five hours later he finally decided to give in and do what he knows how to do: ask to be excused from the table.   It was a LONG five hours.  My heart broke the whole time, especially as he watched his brother and sister play in the back yard with tears rolling down his cheeks.  But I knew this was a battle worth fighting.  It was so much more than asking to be excused.  He wanted to know in a battle of wills, who will win?  We won.  And when he got up from the table he gave me a big hug and went to play happily.  An important life lesson was learned at age two.

The Blog Post that Never Happens

I keep thinking that I should blog.  I keep wanting to blog.  And then I think I don't have time.  Or, I do have time but there is so much that I haven't shared yet and think that no, I really don't have time. And so it goes.  But, since I miss sharing little tidbits (that are written more for my memory than for anything else) I figured a little, "What we are up to now" post was in order.  It may not get done in one sitting.  In fact, I think this is already the third (okay, make that fourth time now) time I have put a big chunk of time into this.  Here we go...youngest to oldest.

KATELYNN:

 

So so SO cute and so sweet!  She has been a little like Caleb -- it has taken a while for her personality to come through and for us to get to know her.  But she is showing herself to us more and more and we like what we see.  She is a sweet little wiggly thing who loves to try to keep up with her siblings.  She isn't walking yet, but I don't think it is too far off.  She crawls everywhere (her favorite place is up the stairs) and she is standing on her own. However (again like Caleb) she loves falling so much that her attempts at walking are more an excuse to lunge toward me and have me catch her.

She has two words that she uses all the time "YEA!" (said very loud) and "UP!" which she says anytime she is going from squatting to standing and whenever she crawls up the stairs.  All day long I hear, "up, up, up" as she climbs or 20some stairs.

She also likes to park herself on the first landing of the stairs and play jailbird.

She is also the queen of sweet mischief...like when she pulled the peanut butter and the chocolate covered spoon off the counter and then helped herself.  When I tried to get the spoon from her, she hid it behind her back!

I love this little girl to pieces!  It is hard to believe that in two weeks we will be celebrating her first birthday!  I can't wait to get to know her more and see how she fits into this little family of ours!  She seems to be making herself quite comfortable!

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LEVI:

Oh this kid!  I don't even have words to describe him.  He is sweet, charming, adorable, antagonistic, and in it all for the laughs!  I remember him being just three months old and listening to his deep belly laughs.  And since then -- anything that will make him laugh is what he does (even if it means doing a few things that make others NOT laugh!)  He is so cute and so sweet and that little dimple gets him far in this world! I mean just look at that cheesy grin in the picture above -- anything to make people know he is adorable and irresistible!

In the picture above he was running back and forth through the house saying, "you can't get me!" as I pretended to "get" him with my camera.

He also has a ridiculous obsession with running around n.a.k.e.d.  Every time we change his clothes he runs around like a wild man singing, "I'm nakey, I'm nakey, I'm nakey nakey NAKEY!"    I LOVE this kid!

One great thing is that I get to have mornings with him -- both Alaina and Caleb are at school and Katelynn takes a morning nap.  So, we get to hang out.  So fun to give him some one on one time!

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CALEB:

Man I love this kid!  His life and his heart totally fascinate me.  He is sweet and compassionate and obedient and snuggly and I LOVE it.  The highlight of my week is going to his weekly therapy sessions and watching all of himself come out.  He LOVES going and I love how much it helps him and makes him feel so good.  All the crashing and spinning and playing just makes him come alive and really calms him.

He is doing so well!  He has gone from not being able to color at all to being OBSESSED with coloring!  He loves it SO MUCH.  He is very detail oriented and colors in every little bit of space on a page. 

Yesterday we had a full speech evaluation and I am so excited to get to start working with him on some of those issues.  He is very receptive to correction and practice, so it will be good to focus on this now that some of the other issues are under control.

One thing we are really working on is his fine motor skills.  Basic things like getting dressed and writing are still very hard for him.  But he is working so hard and making so much progress!  He even signed his name to 14 Valentines last week!

In the afternoon I get to spend lots of time with both of the boys.  They like to hang out on bed if I still have some work to finish or they can be found around the house doing crazy things (like golfing in a baby pool!)  Seeing them interact makes my heart happy!

ALAINA:

I can't believe my girl just turned SIX!  WHERE does the time go?  Wasn't she just a sweet little smiling baby?  Wasn't she just learning to walk and talk?  Ah! Crazy how the time flies.

I MISS this girl!  With her being at school from 7:45 until 3:30 I feel like I never see her!  I miss her inquisitive little mind and her sweet compassionate ways.  Now, i DO like the quiet that seems to come with her NOT being here, but still, I would rather have her AND her endless questions!

She is loving school and of course excelling.  I think this girl could do anything she wanted to do! She is a light to everyone she meets!  She loves to learn about EVERYTHING and she loves all things craft related.  Last week she asked to use a few paper bags and ended with with three puppets for her and her brothers!

Here is a note she made for one of the boys in her class.  So sweet (and funny!)  I've always wanted a best FRED!  Ha ha!

And her FAVORITE thing to do is help me cook!  She made these pizza quesadillas all by herself!

She celebrated her sixth birthday a few weeks ago.  During the day I came into her class and we all decorated birthday cookies.  So fun (and so messy!)

At her request, we had some of our good friends over and enjoyed a night of pizza, presents, and fun.  She even made the invitations!

 

She didn't know what she wanted for her cake (other than impossible things I couldn't make) so we left it with me promising to come up with something she would love.  Here is what I came up with (only being able to use what I could find in the house -- a trip to the store takes HOURS).

And some matching decor...

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ME:

Well, I am doing good!  Other than waiting for the mommy amnesia to subside (I hear that you have to wait until you haven't been pregnant or nursing for one to two years!) I feel like things are really good.  I am staying happy with my website, my kiddos, and dreams of all things I would love to have time to do!  I love doing fun things with the kids like color, cook, and craft.  Last week we made homemade chocolate dipped marshmallows for Valentine's treats.  We then wrapped them each in plastic and made a Valentine's Day bouquet!

I am also loving my PHOTO A DAY project!  It is good for me to make sure I capture the little things that make our life so BIG.  I know it will be a treasure for years to come!

In more personal things...God is doing a lot in my heart.  He is reminding me of the AWESOME responsibility I have for these little people who call me mom.  Their hearts are so moldable at this age and so much of what I do NOW will affect them for the rest of their life.  He is showing me sin in my own life and how it is already being passed to my kids.  The Word tells us that it is "better for a millstone to be tied around [my] neck and [me] be thrown into the sea than to cause one of these little ones to stumble."  That is a HIGH calling!  I am seeing things in my and my life that can cause these kids of mine to stumble.  And I don't like it. I never want to settle for being a "good enough" mom.  Yes, my kids are SO GOOD and so well behaved (most of the time!) and a joy to be around.  But, there are little things -- the deeper things -- that I have neglected in myself and therefore in them.  It is tough stuff to digest but SO GOOD and SO LIBERATING!  I am just so thankful that He found me worthy of these four little ones!

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JASON:

Jason is doing well.  He stays really busy with his role as PE teacher and athletic director at the school.  I am so proud of him for all he does (tons of multitasking involved -- something I don't do very well!).  He loves what he does and from what we can tell, the school is thankful for his quiet, unobtrusive presence.  The school went through a few years of endless problems in the athletic department so Jason's "be quiet and get it done" approach to work has been a breath of fresh air.

I also appreciate how well he fits in his role as dad. He doesn't insist on "unwinding" when he gets home.  He gets home and hangs out with the kids, helps with the house, helps with baths, etc. and is basically just a really good dad!  They are lucky to have him!

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US:

As a family unit, we are doing well.  We are enjoying life in Indonesia very much and everyone seems to have adjusted very well.  The one thing that is really lacking is time alone for the marriage part of "us."  With work, kids, and day to day life our relationship has taken a beating.  Nothing bad, just no time to build into the relationship that will hold all the other relationships together.  Finding a babysitter is hard since I feel bad asking anyone to watch FOUR kids.  And to get two people in makes for an expensive night!  Anyway, you can pray for some creative solutions to this problem and that He would hold us together even when we don't get much quality time!

So, how is THAT for a blog post! LOL!  Maybe if I can pop in a few times a week I won't have to spend a week trying to do one post!

 

Life goes on...

I sometimes find it hard to believe that I used to blog every day (well, Monday to Friday at least).  Did I really have that much to say?  I feel like now all our days look the same...

• Get up (me sometime between 4:00 - 5:30, kids later)
• Hang out
• Get dressed
• Eat Breakfast
• Run around like a mad woman making lunches, packing snacks, remembering who has PE and library and show and tell
• Reading with Alaina
• Going to school
• Coming home -- get some work done
• Pick up Caleb at 10:45
• Hang out with the boys, work, eat, drink more coffee
• Wait impatiently for Jason to come home
• Hang out with the family
• Make dinner
• Dream about bedtime
• Get kiddos ready for bed
• Glorious, heavenly bedtime for kids at 7:00 pm
• Enjoy the quiet
• Watch something on DVD
• Go to bed (usually before 9)
• Start all over again

Every day goes SO FAST (except that 3-4 pm time when I am waiting for Jason to get home). I often wonder what I actually got accomplished.  But raising kids isn't something that can be checked off a to-do list. I have to remember that.

Anyway, so, if I am not blogging as often, forgive me.  I still love my life but there doesn't seem to be enough content (or time) to make it as regular as it once was.  On the other hand, if you came to my blog because of scrappy stuff, I AM blogging every day at THE DAILY DIGI.

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I scrapped!  It felt so good.  It has been fun just to scrap because I can, because I love it, because I want to remember.  I plan to do some more tonight -- after a number of comments to Jason like, "I am taking care of FIVE people and I want to know who is taking care of ME?" Jason was sweet and booked me into a hotel for the night so I can have some "me" time. So excited. Now if only Jason and I could have some "we" time.  I miss that boy so much it hurts.  But how do you ask people to watch your FOUR kids while you go out to dinner? I get overwhelmed so how would a high school age babysitter do?